I’ve been asked many times what healing looks like. Can we be horribly abused and then wipe away the pain and rage to go on with our lives like we were never even hurt? Let me venture into the core of my soul so I can share my thoughts with you. I hope my words will answer your questions. I warn you that I will be brutally honest. That’s what comes with healing.

I was born with the potential to one day bloom into a ravishing rose. Captivating, complex, yet delicate. But not all things come to fruition; even when they do, the timing is not ours to determine. How we wait and the choices we make are everything, as they will determine when, how, and whether we will bloom.

As a young child, I experienced horrible, escalating abuse. A little bud filled with a lifetime of promise sensed an increasing tugging of its stem. As time ticked on, small thorns grew along the bud’s stem. My abusers feared my emergence of independence and boundaries. In controlling every aspect of my personhood, their abuse came more easily for them, and harsher for me. They tore off my thorns and used them to shred my petals. While my abuse worsened, my thorns increased in number and strength, providing my stem protection and resilience. Soon all of me bloomed; the shredded, damaged parts well-hidden beneath the larger, unfurled petals. This is a metaphor for the world of abuse.

There is a multitude of reasons abusers assault their victims emotionally/physically/sexually. Often they too were abused however never chose, or lacked the wherewithal, to break the cycle. Nevertheless, they utilize invalidation and annihilation to cause their victims’ walls to crack and crumble. When boundariless and defenseless, people are more easily denigrated and humiliated. Vulnerable and unable to protect themselves, they are injured on many levels. Soul-stealing abusers leave their victims to suffer, then wither. Those armed with tenacity escape; others remain within the sharp, jaws and claws of these villains. But none escapes unharmed.

Whether you stay or leave, you’ve become carnage. Remaining within an abusive relationship will eventually leave you a thornless, lifeless rose, never to bloom; a soul emptied of hope. Those who leave, stand a good chance of strengthening their thorn-protected stem and might bloom. Still, the damage remains. Beneath a sublime surface, you build layer upon layer of scar tissue to further protect your soul from being reinjured. The unsightly, shredded rose petals are hidden well-within the more perfect surface petals. Even if no one sees them, they’ll still be there.

Abuse leaves a soul shattered. While healing from abuse will never erase our past, it stands to offer so many things we might never have found or become.

A skilled therapist can guide you in uncovering your past while healing from it. Although hideously painful, revisiting these events as a stronger adult brings empowerment. Releasing the pent-up, raw pain simmering inside you helps you reclaim your power over the abuser. Occasionally your abusive events will resurface, but healing puts these nightmares to rest in a safe place where they can’t hurt you anymore. Therapy brings understanding and strength; you become adept at recognizing the entanglement and dynamics you once fell prey to.

If fear prevents you from addressing the pain involved in this endeavor, you are sentencing yourself to a lifetime of anger and frustration. Triggering situations will burrow more deeply into your soul, causing relentless anxiety and suffering. It robs you of sleep, your coping mechanisms, and happiness. I emphatically insist while abuse can be buried, it will continue to haunt you until you confront it! You cannot push it away or pretend it didn’t happen. The damage is there and isn’t going to diminish until it is recognized and delved through.

Before I severed ties between my abusers and my heart, I was allowing them to reside in my head, perpetuating their reign of terror. With healing, I became apathetic towards my abusers; they couldn’t hurt me anymore. Healing through therapy gave me the gift of safety within my soul.

To forgive or not to forgive? I believe the moment your abusers put their desire over your rights, they forfeited their claim to your forgiveness. You owe them nothing; haven’t they already taken enough from you? Feeling pressured to forgive your abuser puts you right back into their arms as they usurp your power. Most importantly, healing offers the insight to know the patterns and vulnerabilities leading to your abuse. These are key! Your healing journey or the lack thereof can make or break you. Many fear and forgo healing, continuously ending up in abusive relationships. Unskilled at recognizing their patterns of past abuse, they fall prey to those who thrive on overtaking and undermining their victims.

Lastly, it is absolutely crucial you meet yourself where you are in your healing journey daily. Some days you will be content. Other days, you’ll find yourself exhausted from seeking perspective and processing all that surrounds you. On the difficult days, when you lack the will to try, only do the bare minimum; BREATHE! Healing is exhausting; know that there are beautiful days to come, and resting today supplies the strength to continue on your path to healing.

We never asked for our abuse, but we have every right to a joyful life. You are valid, have purpose, and you matter. Allow the protection of your thorns to provide the promise of tomorrow.