Sometimes, in the newness of morning, this little heart of mine just decides to open up a little bit extra... Thoughts and words come trickling like a light rain falling through the leaves of a huge, old oak tree. One by one, with increasing speed, the words and thoughts come together, and as fast as I can, I write them down. Why? Because they came THROUGH me, and not from me. They mean there is something I am supposed to know or learn. I will take that. It is a gift I never asked for. A gift I accept with unequivocal, unwavering gratitude...

This morning I awakened to realize the odd beauty in the remaking of a broken soul. This is a beauty that would never have been there had I remained safe, unchanged, and whole throughout my life. It is from this brokenness that I took the soul I was born with, added pain, tears, and grief, then put mostly shards and unmatched pieces back together to form a new, more amazing person.

Same soul, just so much more amazing. SO. VERY. AMAZING.

There are certain things in your life that you just know, like hugs that wrap around our heart and melodies that sing to our soul; they are the ingredients that sweeten life. Then there are other things that leave a bitter taste in our mouth, or far worse, leave us hungry and empty, and cannot be wished away or washed away- certainly these are never welcomed. Often the latter option is not ours to make. We never sought them out, but we become saddled with their discards. They are the albatross that broadens our shadow even in the absence of light. Oh, such a very heavy price for bearing a burden we neither begged nor bargained for! Even harder to accept is that often what happens in darkness must remain there. We were trained to believe that what no one else saw, no one else would believe. We know none of these situations seem okay, yet we are led to believe we are the only ones who feel that way. Either way, we are alone.

All alone... in fear, pain and grief that I believe no heart will ever be big enough to hold. Hearts weren't made to be that kind of strong.

Unbelievably there are far too many of us who, from our abuse onwards, are sentenced to a life based on attempting to right the wrongs. We want to become free of the torment from our abusers who now live in our heads rent-free. We know intuitively that we must run physically and emotionally from our abusers, but cannot find a way. Instead, we reside in a "gated community;" one where we are kept prisoner 24/7 even if the abuser is long gone.

So... How do we move from these circumstances that continue to abuse us in the form of feeling unvalued, unworthy, and unlovable? Many times I've been asked how we learn to love ourselves and find happiness after abuse. My answer is consistent; this was and is the biggest challenge for me and for many.

We are born to love and be loved. Physical, sexual and emotional abuse just don't belong with that scenario. When your body is an empty shell housing a crushed soul, you distance yourself from positive feelings because they are unfamiliar and downright scary. When our abuse was all we knew, instinctively we protected ourselves by being resigned to the scenery surrounding the abuse. By anticipating the screams, the shoving and the sexual assault, we readied ourselves for the well-rehearsed play about to begin. There might be an intermission, but it wouldn't provide much of a respite. The curtains will again open, and the show will go on. We know the moves and our lines by heart; a heart which needs no cue for when to disconnect from any feelings and become numb. Like a traveling circus, we shut off the possibility of an outside life.

After all, abuse is the only thing we know.

At times my emotional pain was overwhelming. For me, therapy was absolutely essential to looking inside of myself to expose and expel the anger, and outside of myself to see that I WAS NOT ALONE. At times I would scream at my therapist that I couldn't figure out how to force out the insurmountable anger. That, for me was excruciating. It was followed by pain- which interestingly enough, is a wonderful sign that your numbness has transitioned into feeling. Albeit sad, they are actual feelings! It was so very soothing and healing to know that I was, by far, not alone in my abuse. That was a pivotal moment for me. Once I knew there were others who were hurting like me, I decided reaching out to others would help both me and them heal. After that riveting revelation, I was on my way to a happiness and contentment I cannot find words to describe. Suddenly it became quite clear that the very abuse that almost took my life three times was the same impetus that formed, strengthened, and molded me into a vessel teeming with hope. All the energy that went into barely emotionally existing was redirected towards others.

From that day on I was determined that no one should EVER cry alone. I began writing a book which shared my journey and healing. I began a mission that becomes stronger each day!

Recently on my Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/iamdanaandrews/) someone commented that her abuse has literally left her to cry alone daily, for 40 years. She and countless others walk this travesty daily, a heart worn like bare feet on gravel, with no respite. This is horribly sad. That is a life sentence imposed on the victim of the crime. That is what inspired me to write this blog. That is why I WILL NOT STOP reaching out to let every single suffering soul know there IS hope! Beyond the purging of the debris from abuse is a life lived in color. A life filled to overflowing with gratitude, glory and goodness. A life not only more amazing than one can imagine, but a life that couldn't be nearly as incredible had we not endured abuse. A life that will make a difference in the world.

I spend an inordinate amount of time on my Facebook page and this blog so I can ensure all who read this will know YOU ARE NOT ALONE! This is by no means a monetary endeavor. This is a "make a difference for others" endeavor. This is a "you deserve more than your abuse" reminder. This is my story. It can be yours too.

Give yourself time. Give yourself the chance to find the courage and trust to reach and find someone who understands and will listen. You have so much to say. So much living to do. So much loving left untapped inside of such a splendid and beautiful soul.

Just like those things in your life that you just know, like hugs that wrap around our heart and songs that sing to our soul, let this promise take hold. You are overdue. You are a survivor with newfound room in your heart.