A long time ago... There was nothing. There was no love, no joy, not even complacency. Not apathy. Just... Nothing.

Certainly there was pain and anger buried beneath layer upon layer of thick and often oozing scar tissue, but they surfaced only on rare occasions...

Until one day.

We were living in Boston while Will was in fellowship training. Four-year-old Robert was moving a hinged lamp, when suddenly his finger became trapped in the mechanism, and he released a blood-curdling scream. Will ran to him. I stopped, immediately immobilized by an unfamiliar FEELING. I felt pain- for Robert. I then held him and wept. Thankfully Robert's finger, although crushed, healed.

While all five of our children have had minor injuries throughout their wonderful, healthy childhoods, they always healed, unscathed. For me, this experience brought a full view; my deeply wounded heart that only knew a childhood of pain opened wide, releasing a plethora of anger and sadness. For that moment, time stood still. I actually felt something. Our son's pain pierced my numb heart that was long "on hold," and made it FEEL!

Before that time, anesthetizing my feelings was the only way I could live through the incessant assault on my personhood. Now that I opened the door to my soul, it was a rocky, sometimes even horribly painful course. I experienced feelings- deep feelings of anger, anguish and regret. Why did my own mother have the right to crush my soul? Why did I pay the price for her unwillingness to address her own issues? Why did I not stand up to her, as an adult, when she continued to abuse with me, and later abuse my father- even on his deathbed?

I often begged Will to physically hurt me, so the pain on the outside would be worse than the pain on the inside. I could not imagine how to let go of the overwhelming hurt and umbrage, then learn to trust anyone other than my own little family. I had a huge request for God to show me just ONE happy moment before I breathed my last. I wanted to know- needed to know- deserved to know what happiness actually feels like.

Years and years of therapy were key to my delving through the stratum that paralyzed my heart and stole my soul. It was at times unbearably excruciating, but thankfully the early stages of therapy provided the promise that I was worth saving. I learned to ride the arduous waves and eventually settle on the sweet shores of survival!

Eventually I did find my way to shore; it was there that I found the treasure trove of pure contentment! My hopes of experiencing one single day of happiness has continued, for days, weeks, months and years. There was no single moment of declaration, but rather a daily barrage of events that remind me just how much I would have missed had I been successful at my 3 suicide attempts.

What I find most surprising is where and when these moments come along. I find them when bottle-feeding and snuggling the 2 week-old kitten we rescued, and watching our baby ducklings hatch, then find themselves well-nurtured while under their mamma's protective wings. I find these moments in the delicious bread I bake using wheat I grind myself. These joys are in the stars that pierce a crystal clear nighttime winter sky. I feel them in the sound of songbirds at sunrise and cicada come sunset. They are summoned by the soft hues in my Strawberry and Vanilla Hydrangea, and the rain showers that offer sustenance. These joys are always there, no matter where I am, and all I need do is open my eyes and my heart. The nest step is easy; LET IT ALL IN! It's yours for the taking. Help yourself, and TAKE ALL OF IT!

By far, my favorite of all moments are those with my husband and children... Often innocent, yet mostly hilarious, these precious joys are the compensation I never knew existed yet now collect and savor. I guess you could say I am a joyful moment hoarder!

You should know that pursuit of this happiness of which I finally found will take all your energy, render you raw with emotion, and require a blind faith. It will teach you truth, trust and tenacity. It will be consume you, then court you. Before you know it, the sadness and loss will be replaced by tantalizing, vivid colors that were once only black and white. This is a happiness you can taste, smell and feel. It will be wherever you are and only grow with time.

Oh, these sweet, sweet times. Long in coming, but well-worth the grueling work. These are the summer orchard that provides a delightful bounty of fruit, plentiful and endless. Seasons of nature's finest gifts to sow then reap. You never knew you deserved them all along. But you did. And you do.

So... What are you waiting for?