If you cannot forgive, how do you forget?

In short, I say do neither.

In my memoir, Room in the Heart, A childhood Undone, Fulfilling a Pact to Love, I discuss this very sensitive and controversial issue for survivors of all types of abuse. From my experience as both a sexual assault nurse and also a victim/survivor of emotional/physical abuse, I firmly believe we have no moral obligation to forgive those who have abused us. The moment they chose to harm us, our accountability for respecting their needs was declared null and void. Void…just like the part of us that used to feel safe from harm. Harm…what they promised us would never happen if we kept SAFE this secret that WE never agreed to keep in the first place.

Let me get this straight; like a rag, we are used to mop up our abuser’s needs, yet NOW we are expected to take sole responsibility for making ourselves whole again, while forgiving the one who wiped away our torn, threadbare soul? I think not.

Typically abusers continue their abuse by blaming the victim. We are made to believe we should not tell anyone about the abuse or we will get them in trouble; in essence, we bear both the burden and the guilt. Abusers rarely, if ever, apologize for what they've done. In fact, they will go to any extreme to cover up their actions. We are accused of lying, made to feel like we have created problems where there were none. The abusers and their protectors have conditioned us to feel that the abuse never really happened; it was all a figment of our imagination. At the very most, they will only concede to a kernel of truth; they "simply hugged" us and we misconstrued it as sexual even though there we were definitely kissed and fondled by them. They were only "playing as they wrestled" with us; we fell on them and that is what gave us the impression we were touched inappropriately by them, even though they definitely removed their clothes and ours... If they had the insight to understand how heinous their actions were/are, even if they committed the abuse only once, they would certainly not continue to abuse us.

Although the act of forgiving is often considered kind and right, their abuse was anything but! Even if they ask for our forgiveness, we are no more obligated to forgive them than they are obligated to heal our damaged souls. It's horrible enough to have been abused in the first place; feeling pressured to forgive them for it only perpetuates our pain. We never, ever applied for this position. We now have a monumental, life-long, all-consuming job; trying to heal, while simultaneouslygoing through the motions of daily life. This job of ours is an unequivocal nightmare! We cry alone in the dark and wish for the morning light to fill our souls with hope. A new day dawns, but so does the pain. Our fragile emotional state is on call for breakdowns 24/7. Our job SUCKS. Worse still is this: we are bound to a job WE NEVER EVEN APPLIED FOR! We were hired for a position with no job description, there is no way to quit or get fired, and no one really cares what time we show up for work; we never leave.

We are working against our will, and the benefits all go to the sickening souls (devoid of souls) who abuse us. Our bosses are both the abuser and their supporters. There are no breaks or vacations from the aftermath of abuse. We are trapped in a dark, dismal office, and this work is often more than we can handle.

As we begin to work through our turmoil, we must pave a safe path through the destruction and debris that are a minefield. We gingerly tread; stepping on the toes of an abuser never ends well. Most family members pressure us to save-face for the abuser and everyone else involved. They and those around them will do anything to avoid embarrassment and potential legal repercussions. Often we have only one option; there is only one who'll win while the other loses. Either we wrap ourselves within the pathetically secure and familiar blanket of pain courtesy of our abuser/and their most ardent supporters, or we run for our lives. There is no middle ground; you stay and your soul slowly shrivels like a neglected houseplant. You run, and save your soul, but face your newfound freedom alone. It's a party for one. You've quit the job from hell, left wondering what survival skills you are left with. Hopefully, a well-trained therapist will help you move one foot in front of the other, until you are healed enough to walk away from the dysfunction and destruction that chained and choked the very essence of our being.

Forgetting… is a whole other issue. Again, in my opinion, forgetting is akin to agreeing it never really happened. Not okay. Ever. When they were helping themselves to us, while swiftly snagging our innocence, did they remember to apologize? A simple analogy here; if we touch the got burner on the stove and get burned, how likely are we to forget the pain and the residual blistering that oozes and throbs? If we did happen to forget, isn't it possible that we might do the same thing all over again? Remembering is a survival mechanism. Some of us are so traumatized that we push away the awful memories until they surface in later years. Make no mistake; they absolutely WILL surface. Until they do, like an inactive volcano, they will remain below the surface, bubbling away. Then, unlike an active volcano, they neglect to announce their arrival with small puffs of smoke. Nope. This anger will rupture from a weakened crack in our souls, and blow scorching-hot lava sky-high.

Again I repeat- we are under no obligation to forget anything. We need to remember it happened, and remember the pain it caused, so there will be no chance of happening again. That is both our right and our duty. That is how we heal, then summon the courage to reach out to others. We are the beautiful wreckage that shines brighter and more brilliant as we become whole again. We are strong, we endure, and in our healing we find feathers to share with others to help them take flight.

My impetus for writing Room in the Heart was that I was under constant, tremendous pressure to forgive those I "wrongly accused for something they never did." I was also instructed to forget about everything, and "move on, because no one is responsible for things alleged to have occurred so long ago." Guess what? It doesn't matter WHEN it happened; IT DID HAPPEN!

Forgiveness? Why?! Why would we remove these gluttons' guilt and let them walk free? That would surely mean they can be vindicated, leaving them to perpetuate their harm all over again with another victim. This is where WE need to step up to the plate! Although we could not control or childhoods, it is we who are responsible for making ourselves whole again, after the fact. Just as murder and nurture do not belong together, forgetting and forgiving do not belong on our to-do list.

None of what happened to us was, or ever will be, okay. We can choose to lie limp in defeat, and, like a child, close our eyes so tightly that our very existence disappears in the darkness. Conversely, we can open our eyes wide, face the mirror and see the beauty and strength in our own survival.

My friends, I applaud you for knowing instinctively that you matter! You are wanting to better yourself by healing and finding a therapist who is a good fit for you. I hug your heart; you have been through hell and back, and broke the cycle! Lastly, I congratulate you for believing in yourself enough, despite what you previously thought, to steadfastly insist that you WERE abused. It really DID happen- and it never was, nor will it ever be okay.

I send huge, nurturing hugs from my heart to yours! You have set yourself free!