In the mid-morning sun, I see pieces... of all that I am and want to be. Of all the beauty in the pain and suffering my abuse taught me. Of all the guilt I wore like a black, thread-bare cloak that sheltered me from the real understanding that I am NOT the abuse that happened to me. I am the brilliant and spectacular rose that bloomed despite a drought; the absence of love and acceptance that left me thirsting for sustenance. I was crushed under foot, but I am whole and continue to provide joy and beauty. My thorns are intact and will serve to protect me from future abuse.

My suffering was the teacher that brought me compassion to do what I now do. I wrote my book and this blog to bring you an understanding of the tenacity and hope that will help you, too, to heal. You deserve that and more. You still have all you need to find yourself again. I promise.

I write in the past tense because it is my hope and wish that you have removed yourself from those who tried to destroy you.

Love can be both a blessing and a curse. Love hurts. I wanted to love my abusers- my parents and sister. You might have loved your abuser. But they loved themselves more. They used us as a mop to wash away their pain and the fragile and shattered pieces that were their ego. Abuse is an odd thing; it is a pain that keeps on giving. It left us trembling in dark corners, wanting to vanish with the demise of our being. Our personhood was lost in the rubble of fear and fury that lay in every part of our empty and hopeless soul. At some point in time, we knew we deserved more. Sadly we soon believed we deserved nothing more than the scabs and scars that we tried to hide.

At some point, I had had enough. I knew that only one would win- and it might as well be me. I had already lost enough of myself to my abusers' voracious appetites that devoured all of me. I decided that courage could replace my fear and compassion could come from my suffering. While our abusers turned their past into our future, I would turn my past into your hope and victory. I was the dust determined to dance in darkness; no one saw the torment that grew steadily within me. But after my storm subsided, I wanted to be the light that danced like rays of sun through the pains of your window. Here I am.

I am here to show you that living out the rest of your days in joy is the greatest revenge for your abuser. I aspire to light your light. I want to hold you up and show you the spirit of wonder that is still within you- because you are still breathing and there is hope in every breath that follows the last one. Even if you feel you've drowned, there is air above the surface of your sadness and despair. So sweet is the first breath after years of almost drowning in murky waters . A well of clearer water now feeds it. You're free to decide to choose your happiness. You deserve so much better.

The clock ticks away, but you wear the watch. There will never be a better time to choose yourself over your abuser. They chose you, but you can now choose them- as your reason to not repeat their past and yours.

My readers, you are my reason. You are my blessing and my future. Each of you can learn from my victory and life now well-lived. My hope is for you to not be quieted by what was your past. Scream out your song of survival and tender the timbers that are now a roaring fire.

I believe in you. Now is your time. Bring it on and claim it. It's yours for the taking.