Welcome to the most beautiful place I have ever known...Lavender Nest Cottage. I helped to build it in our back yard. I wish everyone could have a special place like this, too. Inside, I spin wool, knit, and create beautiful still life paintings using oil paints or water colors...and try to wash away my childhood.

It's funny though, how for my entire childhood I dreamed of having a small place to decorate with unique, albeit fragile birds' nests and plenty of pretty pieces from nature. Accessible by a moss-covered stone path bordered by daffodils, I would make it my own. There was no need for a front door because I trusted that those who found my safe little place would come to find happiness there, just like me. I would welcome them with open arms. In fact, had I known you back then, I'd have invited you to come join me. Together we could steal away from our abusers long enough to heal. We could dream about a future for us that would be filled with kindness, acceptance, and unconditional love.

Years later, with my own 5 children grown, I see how important it is to have given them their own place to find themselves. No, we don't have 5 extra cottages in our yard for our kids- we're talking figuratively here. No matter what form this safe place would take, it must have a place to enter and another to leave. An entrance is necessary for welcoming friends, but it needs a barrier to keep out those who are unwelcome. The leaving door provides a means by which to depart, but moreover, purge and release the wreckage and refuse that threaten our contentment.

So tell me this; do you have a safe place where you can go to become centered? Does it provide you safety from those who know how to hurt you? Does it have both front and back doors? Most importantly, DO THE DOORS HAVE LOCKS???

Sadly, the cottage, doors and locks are a metaphor for something we ALL need just as much as we need air and sustenance; they are called BOUNDARIES. Unequivocally, an abuser cannot satisfy their sick, sadistic needs when there are boundaries present; if they had appropriate boundaries, they would NOT violate us in the first place! Similarly, even IF we, the abused, had boundaries prior to being abused, our abuser invalidated and eradicated these protective mechanisms using their sick, sadistic charms. Whether it be candy, money, or even love, abusers are adept at finding out exactly what their soon-to-be-victim needs or craves.

Boundaries for our emotional well-being are like the skin that protects our body. Without skin, we would be completely unprotected and vulnerable, facing infection, fluid loss, and death, to name a few. While some might think the absence of personal boundaries would not present a substantial emotional threat, many of you and I can attest otherwise. Intact boundaries are necessary and essential in protecting our personhood. They arise from our individual needs, beliefs, and desires, and if not respected, present a significant threat to our emotional and physical survival.

In my case, my parents repeatedly reminded me that I was a "mistake" they considered aborting, but didn't because maybe I'd be the boy they hoped for. I was told my IQ was mediocre and I should not talk because no one even cared to hear what I had to say. I was incessantly mocked, belittled, and invalidated. While somehow I knew that their treatment of me was not okay, it wasn't until I was 16 that I realized fully just how dysfunctional and abusive they were. In breaching boundaries on many levels, my mother searched my room for my diary. After both of my parents read the contents, my psychiatrist father forced me to sit next to him while he read my diary back to me. In essence, they used my own words and private feelings against me. They rifled through my room, stole the most loyal friend I had, then turned my innermost thoughts Into a knife that they plunged into the very center of my soul. Oh, it got much worse. My mother picked up the phone and called every friend she could, reading them the contents of my diary. This is the epitome of stripping and eradicating boundaries while crushing a soul. In one fell swoop, they intentionally disrespected my privacy, my feelings and my needs, using my own written words to invalidate and betray me, while taking away the only means I had left to seek loyalty and comfort. They succeeded in stifling and paralyzing my boundaries enough to prevent me from protecting myself.

In my soon-to-be-released memoir, Room in the Heart; Surviving a Childhood Undone, Fulfilling a Pact to Love, I share both how I endured their abuse, and how I reclaimed most of my boundaries, however unfortunately, seldom do people recover them all. While we can become more aware of our need to protect ourselves, we remain vulnerable in some aspects, depending upon our specific abuse. We can learn that certain inappropriate types of touching, or even worse, beating crosses boundaries, and with therapy we can develop a new sense of autonomy that enables us to stand strong and not allow those boundaries to be crossed. Unfortunately, we become vulnerable when it comes to emotional abuse. Emotional abusers are game players; they remain unsurpassed at their craft of twisting words, changing rules, and undermining our attempts to quash their manipulation. We become unsure as to when to effect the new boundaries we've set, because they are masters at confusion. We KNOW how they make us feel, but they invalidate our attempts to defend ourselves. Therapy can be helpful in dealing with this, but at times we realize that this type of abuser will never change. They change their game, but WE will always LOSE. This is when we realize it is in our own best interest to STAY AWAY! We've been burned by them before; we are once a victim, twice a volunteer.

I believe the most important thing of all is that we do not fall into the "forgive and forget" mode. Why? When we forgive our abuser, is it because they owned up to their heinous actions and offered a heartfelt apology? Or, do we feel that forgiving is the right thing to do, so we can put it behind us? Guess what? When our abusers decided they were perfectly entitled to tear down our walls and disassemble our souls by abusing us, they FORFEITED their right to being forgiven. Really, it doesn't make it any more forgivable if they, themselves were abused. When we protect ourselves by knowing unequivocally that their actions were NOT okay or justified in any way, we then give ourselves the option of breaking the cycle of abuse! Similarly, when we try to forget our abuse, we loosen the threads of our boundaries, leaving us to unravel, and allow their repeated abuse! Our souls eventually become mighty threadbare and tired.

The effects of abuse do not go away on their own. They wake us up at night, intrude upon our dreams-turned-nightmares, and stalk us relentlessly. They are the robbers that steal our sense of belonging, and run off with our happiness and wholeness. They leaves us empty, sad, and confused. The anger comes later, and that is the most frightening aspect of abuse. You see, when we are abused and our boundaries are stripped, we lose the ability to process our feelings, and don't know where to place our anger. Sadly, this is what perpetuates the cycle of abuse. When we have so much anger and frustration with nowhere for it to go, we then take it out on others in a way familiar to us. Abuse is all we know...

My answer lies in therapy. You might need to try a few different therapists until you find a good match, but it will be worth it! You are worth it! You cannot control what was done to you, but you CAN control how you deal with it.

I initially sought therapy because I began to perpetuate my abuse with my own sweet, innocent children. This is called "The Cycle of Abuse." We all know how it feels to be abused; our children, relatives, and anyone else we might know do not need to feel it too! On a personal level I can tell you just how rewarding and empowering it is to break this cycle! I always say that when we are hurting, if we reach out to others, we heal even more. When we break this cycle of abuse, we spare our future victims AND THEIRS, we heal, and we get even stronger as we see the beautiful difference we have made! Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither are boundaries. It takes time, patience and guidance.

Even if your cottage isn't real, your feelings and boundaries need to be. That is truly all that matters! We all need shutters on the windows to our souls, and locks on our hearts. Given time, you will be on the path to building a strong foundation complete with brick boundaries! Remember, we are survivors! We build, and rebuild. Our toolboxes become more equipped each time a strong wind blows some shingles off our rooftop.

In time, the cottage that protects and centers you will become so beautiful! I will come plant the flowers along your path. Don't forget to water them; with sustenance, they will flourish and bloom! You, too are a beautiful blossom, just waiting to open and show how amazing you truly are...